Great Sports Quotes...

Opening Day. God, how I've missed baseball. 


"The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh... people will come Ray. People will most definitely come. " - Terrance Mann, Field of Dreams

People will come, Ray.

The 1st Annual SC:TSE MLB Prediction Show!

Welcome to the 1st Annual SC:TSE MLB Prediction... post. Here I will, using my knowledge of baseball, off-season moves, and past performance, make some predictions for the 2012 season of Major League Baseball.

Standings:
AL EAST
New York Yankees: 94-68
Tampa Bay Rays: 90-72
Toronto Blue Jays: 82-80

Boston Red Sox: 73-89

Baltimore Orioles: 66-96

AL CENTRAL
Detroit Tigers: 86-76
Chicago White Sox: 84-78
Cleveland Indians: 81-81
Kansas City Royals: 72-90
Minnesota Twins: 68-94

AL WEST
Texas Rangers: 101-61
Los Angeles Angels: 93-69
Oakland Athletics: 80-82
Seattle Mariners: 64-98

NL EAST
Philadelphia Phillies: 94-68

Altanta Braves: 88-74

Miami Marlins: 85-77
Washington Nationals: 83-79
New York Mets: 70-92

NL CENTRAL
Cincinnati Reds: 88-74
Milwaukee Brewers: 87-75
St. Louis Cardinals: 82-80
Pittsburgh Pirates: 79-83
Chicago Cubs: 68-94
Houston Astros: 62-100

NL WEST
San Francisco Giants: 95-67
Arizona Diamondbacks: 91-71
Colorado Rockies: 86-76
Los Angeles Dodgers: 75-87
San Diego Padres: 63-99

AL East Champions: New York Yankees
AL Central Champions: Detroit Tigers
AL West Champions: Texas Rangers
AL Wildcard Host: Los Angeles Angels
AL Wildcard Visitor: Tampa Bay Rays

NL East Champions: Philadelphia Phillies

NL Central Champions: Cincinnati Reds

NL West Champions: San Francisco Giants

NL Wildcard Host: Arizona Diamondbacks

NL Wildcard Visitor: Atlanta Braves

ALDS: Texas vs. Tampa
ALDS: Detroit vs. New York
NLDS: Phildelphia vs. Cincinnati
NLDS: Arizona vs. San Francisco

ALCS: Texas vs. Detroit
NLCS: Arizona vs. Philadelphia

AL Champion: Texas
NL Champion: Arizona

World Series: Arizona vs. Texas
World Series Champion: Texas

World Series MVP: Nelson Cruz (RF - Texas Rangers)

AL Most Valuable Player: Miguel Cabrera (3B - Detroit Tigers)

NL Most Valuable Player: Matt Kemp (CF - Los Angeles Dodgers)

AL Cy Young: Justin Verlander (SP - Detroit Tigers)

NL Cy Young: Cliff Lee (SP - Philadelphia Phillies)

AL Manager of the Year: Ron Washington (Texas Rangers)

NL Manager of the Year: Kirk Gibson (Arizona Diamondbacks)

AL Rookie of the Year: Yu Darvish (SP - Texas Rangers)

NL Rookie of the Year: Paul Goldschmidt (1B - Arizona Diamondbacks)

AL Comeback Player of the Year: Adam Dunn (DH - Chicago White Sox)

NL Comeback Player of the Year: Buster Posey (C - San Francisco Giants)

AL HR Leader: Albert Pujols (1B - Los Angeles Angels) (41)

NL HR Leader: Giancarlo Stanton (RF - Miami Marlins) (44)

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My heart says The White Sox will do it this year (but my brain knows better.)
Braun may have better numbers than Kemp, but the writers will hold his alleged steroid use against him.
Trade Deadline News: David Wright to the Arizona Diamondbacks; Brandon McCarthy to the Atlanta Braves, Bobby Abreu to somewhere other than the Los Angeles Angels.

There you go. You heard it here first.

Ryan Braun: Vindicated, or Just Another Cheater With Better Lawyers?

Waste of Talent    +    Liquid Waste    +    Waste of Flesh    =     Waste of Time

In case you've been living under a rock, Milwaukee Brewers left fielder Ryan Braun, in the midst of his NL MVP campaign, tested positive for elevated levels of testosterone and traces of synthetic testosterone in two separate samples that he provided to MLB for their mandatory drug testing. This is punishable by a 50 game suspension for first time offenders. In the face of losing a third of his season, Braun did what everyone else would do; he appealed the decision and pouted like a little bitch.

While everyone in Milwaukee prepared for a 50 game suck fest without their two best players from last year (after fat bastard Prince Fielder went to the Detroit Tigers as a free agent), Ryan Braun and his lawyers went to work trying to find a weakness in MLB's case against him. They found one: Fed Ex isn't open on Saturdays, and the courier, following the protocol used by every other anti-doping and drug testing organization involved in sports in any way, put the whiz in the fridge and waited until he could deliver it safe and sound. (Which he did, as the container reached the lab intact, with no evidence of tampering, was tested, and was found containing nearly eight times the allowed ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone (4:1 is a positive result; Braun's was 30:1).)

"There!" Braun's lawyer must have shouted, likely standing on his chair and pointing like Ahab seeing Moby Dick's hump, "that's where we have them!"

See, what Braun and his lawyers want us to believe is that the courier left the wee out of his sight, at which point someone must have broken in, diddled with the piss in it's tamper-proof sample container, and then returned the tamperproof seal to it's pre-tampered state. OF COURSE.

"Yeah... Okay, sure," Shyam Das, the arbitrator in charge of the case/mentally retarded douchebag, said. He then reportedly ate a stickful of paste from a jar on his desk and began masturbating furiously by rubbing his adult diaper into his crotch while licking the windows of his hotel room.

Ryan Braun, spitting all over me, you and the game he claims to love

Braun dares to call this justice. He cheated, got caught, and got off on a technicality. This is a miscarriage of justice. It sends the absolute worst message; get a good enough lawyer, find the right loophole, and you too can get away with cheating in the face of iron-clad evidence. He acts like he has done nothing wrong, dares to act like he is the victim. The samples tested positive, and the samples were in tamper-evident containers, which show no evidence of tampering.

I have lost whatever respect I had for Ryan Braun, which was considerable before he cheated the game, the fans, and his organization. Were I in a position of power in MLB, I would insist on Braun being tested weekly. I guarantee you that his numbers will drop off this season, assuming he stops cheating, but the sad truth is he would then simply chalk it up publicly to the stress of being under a microscope and paint himself a victim of yet another insane conspiracy, like he got away with doing here.

"Man, are you guys DUMB!"

Disgrace to the game. Ryan Braun 1, Integrity 0.

Prince Fielder Mulling Offers From Several Foods

Former Milwaukee Brewers first baseman Prince Fielder is one of the more potent names available in this off-season's free agent market, second only to Albert Pujols, who signed with the Los Angeles-Anaheim-California-West Coast-U.S. Angels earlier this week. Fielder, who has hit free agency at age 27, is primed for a huge payday as several teams see his youth as the deciding factor in declaring him the TOP free agent. 

There are several teams that have already made offers to Fielder, and it is rumored that more teams are prepared to make offers very soon. Fielder himself knows the enormity of the decision in front of him. Having spent the winter meetings at his home in Orlando, he is carefully mulling the choices.

"I had a good start to my career in Cheese Wheel, and I thank them for the love and support they've shown me over the past six years. But when it comes down to it, all I got from [management] was a series of short term deals. I've proven I am a legitimate talent, and I am looking for a contract comparable to others of my position. Like the deals signed by Adrian [Gonzalez] in Baked Beans, and Mark [Teixiera] in Bagels. So now I have to look elsewhere. There have been rumors, sure. Cuban Sandwich has been mentioned a bunch of times because of all the money they laid down for Jose [Reyes], Mark [Buehrle] and Heath [Bell], but there's nothing on paper yet. People are saying I'm going to play in Chili, but Nolan Ryan hasn't contacted my agent. Since Albert [Pujols] left, Butter Cake definitely needs a first baseman to defend their title, so maybe. I have also gotten offers from several other delicious locations, so I'm just sitting back and waiting to see where the most appetizing offer comes in from."

Other possibilities Fielder mentioned are Thick Cut Maple Canadian Bacon, Sushi/Coffee, Deep-Dish Pizza, and Rice-a-Roni.

Nationals owner Ted Lerner was busy launching a campaign to make bacon cheese fries drenched in beef gravy the official food of Washington D.C. and could not be reached for comment.

St. Louis Edges Cleveland for "Greatest Collection of Ungrateful Bastards" Title

Fans in St. Louis, incensed by Albert Pujols' decision to leave their fair city and ply his trade with Art Moreno's Halos for the next decade, have taken to burning Pujols jerseys in the street, cursing the slugging three time NL MVP and causing at least one area business to hire a security guard to protect a statue of the Dominican slugger.

Congratulations, St. Louis, you're officially the new Cleveland.

Just as the Rock and Roll Capital of the world expressed great outrage when their beloved basketball superstar LeBron James left for the warmer climate of Miami, Albert Pujols took the money (most of it; the Miami Marlins offered more, but would not offer a no-trade clause) and ran to Southern California, where, I've heard from a reliable source, it never rains, and his former fans are livid.

To the people of St. Louis, I offer a heartfelt and hearty "WAAAAAAAH."

Grow up, people. This is a business. It's about the money. At least YOUR superstar gave you two championships in a five year span before he left. You don't like free agency? You didn't seem to have a problem with it in the days of Darrell Porter and Joaquin Andujar. Ron Gant, Andy Benes and Gary Gaetti got you to the NLCS is '96. Chris Carpenter, Jason Isringhausen, and David Eckstein, were all vital pieces - and free agent acquisitions - for the 2006 Championship. For those in St. Louis with exceptionally short memories (which I'm now convinced is epidemic in the Gateway City) Lance Berkman, Jake Westbrook and Kyle Loshe were free agents who helped you win this year's title.

I fall those players had had the same kind of hometown loyalty that you expected from Pujols, you might have been looking back at 1967 wistfully.

Congrats to Albert for getting the deal he was looking for, and good luck to the people of St. Louis in finding a purpose in life.

Jeffrey Loria Eagerly Eyes Up Next Fire Sale

DALLAS - The newly re-christened Miami Marlins made a huge splash at this year's Baseball Winter Meetings, laying enough money on the table to buy an entire franchise, let alone players to resuscitate a slumping one. The Marlins - who at one point fielded an entire team that made less than Alex Rodriguez alone - went ahead and offered $191M to three players; former White Sox starting pitcher Mark Buehrle ($58M over 4 years), former Mets shortstop Jose Reyes ($106M over 6 years), and former Padres closer Heath Bell ($27M over 3 years). They were also heavy players in the bidding for former Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols (reported offer of $275M over 10 years) and former Rangers starting pitcher C.J. Wilson ($99M over 6 years), and it is unknown if they are going to make a play for former Brewers first baseman Prince Fielder (who is likely to command 7 to 10 years and a total of $160M plus). 


The rampant spending from a team known for its thriftiness has the South Beach all aflutter about making a run at the championship in the first year in their new stadium, and the inevitable fire sale that will soon follow.


"We have the new stadium, which is the jewel of the baseball world, built on the taxpayers dime," Marlin's owner Jeffrey Loria said, "we owe it to them to put the best team we possibly can for two or three seasons before selling the players off to the highest bidder."


The Miami Marlins reportedly missed out on Pujols, arguably the best player of his generation, solely because they refused to offer him even a partial no-trade clause in what would have been a record tying contract (Yankees third baseman/Ming Vase Alex Rodriguez is currently in the fifth year of a 10 year, $275M contract), stressing that their team policy is to ensure that no matter how long they commit to a player, they need the flexibility to dismantle their team at any given moment.


"We have a new stadium, a new energetic manager in [former White Sox Manager Ozzie] Guillen, and a whole new attitude," Loria said, "so we're looking to pick up some new hardware. Before we give up completely and shuffle the deck again, which should happen within three years, tops."


The Marlins are the only team to win the World Series without winning their division, a feat they accomplished twice, in 1997 and 2003. Both Championships were immediately followed by the trading and release of several key players. 


"Teams like The Boston Red Sox and Chicago White Sox," Marlin's president of baseball operations Larry Beinfest said, "they spend money year after year, and they each went eighty something years without a championship. The Cubs spent $125 million last season, and last time they won a championship, Butch and Sundance were still alive. We think it's easier, not to mention more financially responsible, to spend a lot of money all at once, win a championship, and then trade off everything worth anything the next season and spend the next five to ten years scrimping. Two championships in twenty years, and only four of them were spent as a competitive franchise. Not too shabby."


With the off-season not even half way over, fans everywhere are looking for the Marlins to continue to make moves, acquire players through trade and free agency, and then ship them off before the team ever has a chance to form a coherent sense of unity.


The Miami Marlins starting roster, assuming no other trades are made, is presented below.

The Chicago Cubs were busy weeping openly about their 104 year championship drought, and were unable to comment.

Ranger Fans File Restraining Order Against Josh Hamilton

Arlington, TX - Several thousand Texas Ranger baseball fans have filed for a restraining order against Rangers center fielder Josh Hamilton on Friday, according to local authorities. The order, filed after two incidents of fan injury, one fatal, in the span of two days, prohibits Hamilton from entering a radius of 50 feet from any fan at the ballpark without proper supervision.

On Thursday, Hamilton threw a foul ball to a Rangers fan, who fell 20 feet head first into a gap behind the out of town scoreboard as he caught the ball for his son. The fan died an hour later from blunt force trauma to the head. Then on Friday, Hamilton smashed a foul ball into the stands which struck a young male fan in the face. The two incidents led fans to seek the order.

In order to comply with the legal ruling, Hamilton has been moved to second base, and has been prohibited from chasing balls that stray too close to wherever fans are seated. In between innings, Hamilton must be escorted to and from the dugout by two court appointed social workers, and all warm up swings must be taken within the front seven inches of the batters box, not the traditional on deck circle, which rests within the forbidden area. In the event that Hamilton finds himself in possession of a dead ball, he has been instructed to lie on the ground with his hands at his sides until trained personnel can remove the potentially fatal projectile from his possession. Hamilton must also only slide to the inside of the plate.

Vince Coleman was unavailable for comment as of press time.