Wednesday, October 28, 2009


Why is everything about the military during the Game 1 Pregame?

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Mets "Totally Pissed" at Tigers For Hackneyed Collapse

The New York Mets announced today that they were "totally pissed" at the Detroit Tigers for "stealing their bit," as one player put it.

The Detroit Tigers were eliminated from the MLB playoffs, despite spending 146 days atop the weak American League Central Division and having a seven game lead with a month to play as well as having a seemingly insurmountable 3 game lead with only four games remaining. The Tigers ended the regular season tied with the Minnesota Twins, who eliminated them in a one game playoff Tuesday.

"This is such bullshit," Mets Centerfielder Carlos Beltran said. "The whole 'giving up an insurmountable lead at the last possible moment' thing? That's us."

"Everybody knows it," Mets third baseman David Wright agreed. "We perfected the art of giving our fans false hope and snatching it back with mediocre play and uninspired effort. Who do they think they are?"

Reliever Francisco Rodriguez was also visibly perturbed. "The way this team collapsed down the stretch not only last season, but the season before that, was truly epic. To be a part of this team, to play every day with guys who know how to play the chump like that, it's magical. But [the Tigers] think they are the new Washington Generals around here," Rodriguez said, polishing the last-place Washington Nationals' Justin Maxwell walk-off grand slam ball that he retrieved from the fan who caught it on Sept. 30.

Reliever J.J. Putz likewise lamented the missed opportunity to hang his head in abject shame and inconceivable embarrassment. "If we hadn't had so many injuries this season, we would have been right there at the top of the division, waiting to choke it away to the Phillies yet again. But now, we have to watch some other group of guys mope."

"Fuck," he added, shaking his head.

Starting pitcher Johan Santana seemed cautiously optimistic, however, encouraging his teammates to remember this feeling so they could catapult themselves back to the top of the N.L. East for all but the last moments of the 2010 season. "We can do it," he said. "We just need to work hard next year, build as large a lead as we can, and then choke like an infant with a ping pong ball lodged in it's throat. That proud Mets tradition."

The Chicago Cubs were in therapy and unavailable for comment.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

At the Risk of Repeating Myself...

I have officially declared myself eligible for the 2009 NBA Draft.

Why should any team spend a pick on me?

Unlike many of the players currently in the NBA, I am STILL drug free.

I STILL have no criminal record.

As a 6' fat white guy, I'm the last one they'd expect to hit the big shot.

I do not frequent strip clubs, nor do I whack hookers over the head with table legs.

It would be a media bonanza.

I can hit the wide open three. Defended, not so much. But hey, Mike Penberthy got a full season, why shouldn't I?

I am the ultimate team player; I can put the starter's tear away pants back together when they come back off the bench.

I am destined to be an analyst on ESPN; the GM that picks me could take credit for launching my career.

Seriously, guys. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.

Monday, February 02, 2009


Holy crap, what a game. The Cardinals gained a tremendous amount of respect from me for making it so close (and gave me about four heart attacks along the way). Despite their best efforts to lose the game, the Steeler's offensive line managed to be saved by the toenails of Super Bowl MVP Santonio Holmes (c'mon, fellas, holding IN YOUR OWN ENDZONE?!?)

This game had it ALL.

You want the longest play in Super Bowl history? Done. James Harrison's 100 yard interception ending in a head first (literally) flip into the end zone was the longest ever, and at the end of the half, no less. He comes up one inch short, and there's no time left, no score on the play, and it's all for nothing. The best possible ending for the play happened. The only thing missing was Harrison rising like Cuba Gooding Jr. in Jerry McGuire and waving to the crowd.

You want an aging quarterback to show that he still can play like an MVP, despite the fact that many people around the league (and the world, myself included) considered him washed up? Done. Kurt Warner's Cards were down 10-0, but he ended up throwing an MVP-like performance, going 31-43, with 377 yards and 3 TDs. Surely, that yardage has gotta be the best performance ever? No, it was good enough for 2nd, beating Kurt Warner's 365 yards in Super Bowl 36, but it fell short of Kurt Warner's 414 yards in Super Bowl 34. You read that right. He has put in the top three totals in Super Bowl history. I will refrain from referring to him as Bag Boy. Instead, I will go back to making fun of the hydrocephalic Peyton Manning.

You want the biggest rally in Super Bowl history? Done. The Cardinals came back to take the lead in the 4th quarter despite having trailed 20-7. If they had won, it would have made for great cinema. Luckily for me and everyone in Pittsburgh, this is not cinema.

You want a team of relative unknowns getting their due in the national spotlight? Done. What non-Cardinal fans among us could name more than two or three Cardinals before this playoff run? Now, everyone will be on the lookout for Karlos Dansby, and have the chance to titter at Steve Breaston's name.

You want the next big thing? Done. Larry Fitzgerald set a playoff record with 546 yards this post season, and put himself (and his dad) in the national spotlight, and tugged on the heart strings of every woman viewer in the room with his Mommy story. Awwww.

You want a young QB proving he has the moxie to lead a team through the trenches into Super Bowl history? Done. Ben Roethlisberger showed he is one of the NFL's elite quarterbacks, delivering clutch passes in dire circumstances, escaping what looked to be certain sackage time and time again, and driving the Steelers 78 yards to the Cardinal end zone, delivering a pass that can only be adequately described as surgical in it's precision, to the impossibly perfectly positioned Santonio Holmes, who couldn't have executed a more perfect demonstration of dragging both feet while getting maximum extension out of his frame. All this on a broken play.

This Super Bowl rivaled the previous one in every way except one. The underdogs didn't win this one, like the Giants slicing apart the Patriots perfect season last year. But it beats it in drama, if you ask me. The big play of last year's Super Bowl, David Tyree's miracle catch, extended the eventual game winning drive. Holmes' miracle grab actually won the game.


Tuesday, January 20, 2009



They've beaten the (other) toughest defense in the NFL, so now they're going against the Arizona Cardinals. Um, yeah, you read that right. The Arizona Cardinals. No, THE Arizona Cardinals. Yes, the football franchise. Yes, Kurt Warner's Arizona Cardinals.

How the HELL are the Cardinals in the Super Bowl?

To someone who only looked at the standings in Week 8, it may seem like a league wide "We are Marshall" type accident has slain half of the NFC, and only the Cardinals are left intact. But no, like Leonidas in 300, they stabbed the Atlanta Falcons through the neck with their spear, yanked it free and threw it through the chest of the Carolina Panthers, and then used their sword to decapitate the Philadelphia Eagles.

Just keep in mind that Leonidas eventually fell. As will Arizona.