Wednesday, October 28, 2009


Why is everything about the military during the Game 1 Pregame?

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Mets "Totally Pissed" at Tigers For Hackneyed Collapse

The New York Mets announced today that they were "totally pissed" at the Detroit Tigers for "stealing their bit," as one player put it.

The Detroit Tigers were eliminated from the MLB playoffs, despite spending 146 days atop the weak American League Central Division and having a seven game lead with a month to play as well as having a seemingly insurmountable 3 game lead with only four games remaining. The Tigers ended the regular season tied with the Minnesota Twins, who eliminated them in a one game playoff Tuesday.

"This is such bullshit," Mets Centerfielder Carlos Beltran said. "The whole 'giving up an insurmountable lead at the last possible moment' thing? That's us."

"Everybody knows it," Mets third baseman David Wright agreed. "We perfected the art of giving our fans false hope and snatching it back with mediocre play and uninspired effort. Who do they think they are?"

Reliever Francisco Rodriguez was also visibly perturbed. "The way this team collapsed down the stretch not only last season, but the season before that, was truly epic. To be a part of this team, to play every day with guys who know how to play the chump like that, it's magical. But [the Tigers] think they are the new Washington Generals around here," Rodriguez said, polishing the last-place Washington Nationals' Justin Maxwell walk-off grand slam ball that he retrieved from the fan who caught it on Sept. 30.

Reliever J.J. Putz likewise lamented the missed opportunity to hang his head in abject shame and inconceivable embarrassment. "If we hadn't had so many injuries this season, we would have been right there at the top of the division, waiting to choke it away to the Phillies yet again. But now, we have to watch some other group of guys mope."

"Fuck," he added, shaking his head.

Starting pitcher Johan Santana seemed cautiously optimistic, however, encouraging his teammates to remember this feeling so they could catapult themselves back to the top of the N.L. East for all but the last moments of the 2010 season. "We can do it," he said. "We just need to work hard next year, build as large a lead as we can, and then choke like an infant with a ping pong ball lodged in it's throat. That proud Mets tradition."

The Chicago Cubs were in therapy and unavailable for comment.