Sunday, November 16, 2008

Yanks offer C.C. Sabathia everything but the kitchen sink... and and what the Hell, the kitchen sink too

The New York Yankees made headlines Friday when it was revealed that they offered free agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia more than $140 million dollars over 6 years. Holy Crap.

The internet rages now over how the Yankees are assholes for trying to buy a championship, and how C.C. Sabathia will be "forced" to play for the Yankees. To that, I offer a nice hearty Smart Centipede "go fuck yourselves, schmucks."

I am not a Yankee fan. Far from it. I think George Steinbrenner is the Veruca Salt of Major League Baseball, and his sons are no better. Yes, they are attempting to buy a championship. DUH. They weren't trying to buy a third place finish last year, now were they? The people who scream and kick about the Yankees outspending everyone every year are missing the point. They have the highest payroll in baseball for the past decade (if it feels like longer, you're almost right; in 1998 Baltimore outspent the Yankees by $207,223, and the last time the Yankees spent more than a year off the top of the payroll charts were during the 1992-1993 Toronto Blue Jays consecutive championships). So in the 15 years since 1994, the Yankees have had the highest payroll in baseball 14 times. In that span, they have won 3 World Series Championships (that 1998 one was during the Orioles brief tenure). What is the important stat there, kids?

You guessed it: the important stat there is that in 11 of those years, George Steinbrenner emptied his wallet on the world, and bought himself an empty space on the trophy shelf. YES! Is there a sweeter futility than George Steinbrenner futility?

So go ahead, Yankees. Give C.C. Sabathia the keys to the U.N., a cast spot on Saturday Night Live, controlling interest in Microsoft, a percentage of all the toll money taken in by the bridges and tunnels in New York City, and naming rights to new teammate Nick Swisher's first born child. Chances are, they'll drop in the first round because of bugs or something.

In the mean time, here are some fun things people can say to Yankee fans who say that their team is just "willing to spend the money to win championships" :

1.) I forget, what was the payroll of the team who won the AL East and the AL Championship last year?

2.) ::cough while saying "Carl Pavano"::

3.) The 2004 A...L...C...S. Oh, yeah!

Friday, September 26, 2008

Prince Fielder Tests Positive For Fudge; Remains Dignity-Free

MILWAUKEE (AP) - In a shocking turn of events, Milwaukee Brewers First Baseman Prince Fielder has tested positive for "dangerous amounts" of fudge, according to an unnamed source inside MLB Commissioner Bud Selig's office.

The Brewers defeated the Pittsburgh Pirates 7-5 on Tuesday when Fielder, son of former Tiger-Great/Fully-Fed-Tick Cecil Fielder, hit a two run walk off homerun off of Pirates reliever T.J. Beam, keeping pace with the New York Mets for the NL Wildcard. Fielder, as has been Brewers tradition this season, pulled his shirt up rounding first, revealing his gargantuan stomach to the home crowd. Nineteen Brewers fans were taken to area hospitals suffering from headaches, nausea, and loss of appetite.

While many fans see the Brewers shirt antics as taunting the opposition, Mike Cameron, who started the tradition, explains that when his father was done with work, the first thing he would do is untuck his shirt, and this symbolic gesture is meant as a way to further emphasize the blue-collar work ethic of the Brewers.

None could foresee the dramatic turn of events the demonstration would have unleashed. Upon witnessing Fielder's unsightly, naked girth, officials immediately called for testing to be done on the 24 year old slugger. The disturbing results were returned to the commissioner's office within a day, and the shocking news was announced late Wednesday evening by Daniel Herfester, MLB's Director of Health and Confections.

"Prince has tested positive for eight different types of fudge, including marbled, peanut butter, and white chocolate. His fudge levels are what we would consider to be dangerous. His blood also contained trace amounts of mushroom beef gravy, and we discovered a bolus of whipped cream that had congealed in his left ventricle."

Tests further revealed a bezoar of unclassified Gummi material weighing roughly 19 pounds lodged in a separate "annex" of Fielder's gut. "Apparently there was so much Gummi in his stomach that it was forced to grow a separate 'cave' for it," Herfester said, choking back his own vomit. "I don't know if it was bears, worms, fish, or a combination of the three gummi types, but there was also evidence of some Sour Patch Kids in there."

Selig has indicated that some sort of suspension may be in order. "I mean, there's nothing in the rules against it," Selig said between dry heaves, "but c'mon. He makes David Wells look like John Basedow. He should be punished somehow."

Fielder was busy playing the radiator in his junkyard band, and could not be reached for comment.

In a related story, Brewers relief pitcher/Seth Rogen stunt double Eric Gange, disgusted by Fielder's incomprehensible paunch, has decided to institute another tradition to replace it. "When my dad was done with work, he would drink a Seagrams & 7 and hit mom." Valerie Gagne has been unavailable for comment, but released a press statement announcing that the Gagne household has "just installed a bunch of new doors, and it has been tough going remembering where they all are as I'm walking through them."

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

SHOCK-ing Development

Rick Mahorn is being scapegoated. Watch the damned video. He is in the midst of the recent Shock/Sparks WNBA brawl. He is in there to try and keep dirty thug/mother of one Lisa Leslie from slapping around some younger players. When she swings her arm, she pushes off of Mahorn, who's only crime is apparently being too big for the skinny bitch to move. And special kudos to The Shock's Plenette Pierson, who, in instigating the entire conflict with her little ripping away of the ball after the whistle, was given a much larger stage than she deserved. Her further display of classlessness in standing over a player she knocked to the ground led her to getting ripped to the floor by Candice Parker, and her further bitchiness and thuggery led directly to her teammate Cheryl Ford losing part of her season and maybe her career to a torn ACL. I hope you feel like shit, you nasty bitch, because now, because of your selfish showboating and ego, a decent player is hurt and you are not.

I got your back Rick.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

"You're dead, Willie..."

Fred Tampon Wilpon, owner of the New York Mess Mets, has fired Willie Randolph. What a fucking shame. It's a shame not only that one of New York's most beloved sports heroes has been treated so shabbily, but that the Mets think that Jerry Manuel is any better a solution for this club.

Mets fans are right up there with the AFLAC duck on my scale of annoying pieces of shit now a days. FOR GOD'S SAKE, LET IT GO. The Yankees had a far more historic collapse in the 2004 playoffs, and they've managed to get over it. Stop whining about last season's 17 game horror show and move along.

Firing Randolph is one of the most short sighted moves I have ever seen. Sure, Willie wasn't the most media savvy guy in New York sports management history, but while everyone is busy blaming him for the Mets origami ending last year, let's not forget who managed them to that high perch they fell from. If he's responsible for their losses, why not their wins? I'm sure it's Willie's fault that Mr. Glass Moises Alou gets hurt eating breakfast cereal. I'm sure it's Willie's fault that David Wright has an occasional case of frying pan hands. Surely Willie is responsible for Carlos Delgado's inability to hit water falling out of a boat. And why should Whiny Bitch-fag Billy Wagner take any blame for bitching about his teammates lack of heart and then blowing three consecutive saves?

I hope the Mets plummet in the standings and fall into an Isaih Thomas' Knicks like funk until these spoiled crybaby players decide to take some accountability for their own shortcomings, and Fred Wilpon keels over from a heart attack. For years, the only thing the Mets had over the Yankees is that they weren't run by Veruca Salt George Steinbrenner. Congratulations, Wilpon, for bridging that gap.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Big News:

I have officially declared myself eligible for the 2008 NBA Draft.

Why should any team spend a pick on me?

Unlike many of the players currently in the NBA, I am drug free.

I have no criminal record.

I have a camera friendly face, for the frequent sideline shots I will be featured in.

As a 6' fat white guy, I'm the last one they'd expect to hit the big shot.

I do not frequent strip clubs, nor do I whack hookers over the head with table legs.

It would be a media bonanza.

I can hit the wide open three. Defended, not so much. But hey, Mike Penberthy got a full season, why shouldn't I?

I am the ultimate team player; I can put the starter's tear away pants back together when they come back off the bench.

I am destined to be an analyst on ESPN; the GM that picks me could take credit for launching my career.

If only Rick Pitino was still a GM. I know I could probably get a 3 year, $15 million dollar deal based on my "potential."

Monday, May 19, 2008

Sports overseas...

In this time of creative impotence, I figured I'd fill space by describing the sports culture over here.

Here, Soccer is king, but it is known as football. Every major city has a football team, and the citizens follow them with fierce loyalty. Even the most casual of sports fan here can tell you who is atop the league.

They follow American football here too, to a limited extent. Pernille's brother Mikkel is a Jets fan (poor guy). ;)

Handball is a big thing over here, too. Not the "hit-the-little-rubber-ball-against-the-concrete-wall handball; REAL handball, which is a lot like a combination of soccer, basketball, and throwing something as hard as humanly possible at someone's crotch (well, that's what it was about in High School gym class, anyway). It is as big over here as baseball is over in the US.

Hockey is followed, but not the NHL. Which is okay, because the European game is far more graceful and artistic than the thuggish American Style NHL.

But there is, sadly, no love for baseball. The closest thing they have is round ball, which is a boiled down version of the sport I cherish oh so much. I have been getting my fix of the MLB thanks to my subscription to MLB.com, I have watched a couple of White Sox games while I am here, which almost made me forget that I am 3557 miles from the nearest professional baseball stadium. Who'd have thought I'd be longing for FENWAY?!?

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

America has rolled by like an Army of steamrollers...

Baseball is back baby!

Good luck in the job hunt, Barry...

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Official:

I am leaving the country. Not the Alec Baldwin Rage-against-the-government leaving the country, just a two week stint to be with my honey bunny Nille in Denmark. Middle of May is the big day. Pictures and report will appear in this space afterwards.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Super Bowl

Prediction: Giants in a squeaker, 31-28.

Yeah, right.

Looking forward to at least seeing some decent commercials. Maybe Michael Vick will do a spot for Pedigree dog food.
There was an error in this gadget