Sunday, December 11, 2011

Prince Fielder Mulling Offers From Several Foods


Former Milwaukee Brewers first baseman Prince Fielder is one of the more potent names available in this off-season's free agent market, second only to Albert Pujols, who signed with the Los Angeles-Anaheim-California-West Coast-U.S. Angels earlier this week. Fielder, who has hit free agency at age 27, is primed for a huge payday as several teams see his youth as the deciding factor in declaring him the TOP free agent. 

There are several teams that have already made offers to Fielder, and it is rumored that more teams are prepared to make offers very soon. Fielder himself knows the enormity of the decision in front of him. Having spent the winter meetings at his home in Orlando, he is carefully mulling the choices.

"I had a good start to my career in Cheese Wheel, and I thank them for the love and support they've shown me over the past six years. But when it comes down to it, all I got from [management] was a series of short term deals. I've proven I am a legitimate talent, and I am looking for a contract comparable to others of my position. Like the deals signed by Adrian [Gonzalez] in Baked Beans, and Mark [Teixiera] in Bagels. So now I have to look elsewhere. There have been rumors, sure. Cuban Sandwich has been mentioned a bunch of times because of all the money they laid down for Jose [Reyes], Mark [Buehrle] and Heath [Bell], but there's nothing on paper yet. People are saying I'm going to play in Chili, but Nolan Ryan hasn't contacted my agent. Since Albert [Pujols] left, Butter Cake definitely needs a first baseman to defend their title, so maybe. I have also gotten offers from several other delicious locations, so I'm just sitting back and waiting to see where the most appetizing offer comes in from."

Other possibilities Fielder mentioned are Thick Cut Maple Canadian Bacon, Sushi/Coffee, Deep-Dish Pizza, and Rice-a-Roni.

Nationals owner Ted Lerner was busy launching a campaign to make bacon cheese fries drenched in beef gravy the official food of Washington D.C. and could not be reached for comment.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

St. Louis Edges Cleveland for "Greatest Collection of Ungrateful Bastards" Title

Fans in St. Louis, incensed by Albert Pujols' decision to leave their fair city and ply his trade with Art Moreno's Halos for the next decade, have taken to burning Pujols jerseys in the street, cursing the slugging three time NL MVP and causing at least one area business to hire a security guard to protect a statue of the Dominican slugger.

Congratulations, St. Louis, you're officially the new Cleveland.

Just as the Rock and Roll Capital of the world expressed great outrage when their beloved basketball superstar LeBron James left for the warmer climate of Miami, Albert Pujols took the money (most of it; the Miami Marlins offered more, but would not offer a no-trade clause) and ran to Southern California, where, I've heard from a reliable source, it never rains, and his former fans are livid.

To the people of St. Louis, I offer a heartfelt and hearty "WAAAAAAAH."

Grow up, people. This is a business. It's about the money. At least YOUR superstar gave you two championships in a five year span before he left. You don't like free agency? You didn't seem to have a problem with it in the days of Darrell Porter and Joaquin Andujar. Ron Gant, Andy Benes and Gary Gaetti got you to the NLCS is '96. Chris Carpenter, Jason Isringhausen, and David Eckstein, were all vital pieces - and free agent acquisitions - for the 2006 Championship. For those in St. Louis with exceptionally short memories (which I'm now convinced is epidemic in the Gateway City) Lance Berkman, Jake Westbrook and Kyle Loshe were free agents who helped you win this year's title.

I fall those players had had the same kind of hometown loyalty that you expected from Pujols, you might have been looking back at 1967 wistfully.

Congrats to Albert for getting the deal he was looking for, and good luck to the people of St. Louis in finding a purpose in life.

Friday, December 09, 2011

Jeffrey Loria Eagerly Eyes Up Next Fire Sale

DALLAS - The newly re-christened Miami Marlins made a huge splash at this year's Baseball Winter Meetings, laying enough money on the table to buy an entire franchise, let alone players to resuscitate a slumping one. The Marlins - who at one point fielded an entire team that made less than Alex Rodriguez alone - went ahead and offered $191M to three players; former White Sox starting pitcher Mark Buehrle ($58M over 4 years), former Mets shortstop Jose Reyes ($106M over 6 years), and former Padres closer Heath Bell ($27M over 3 years). They were also heavy players in the bidding for former Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols (reported offer of $275M over 10 years) and former Rangers starting pitcher C.J. Wilson ($99M over 6 years), and it is unknown if they are going to make a play for former Brewers first baseman Prince Fielder (who is likely to command 7 to 10 years and a total of $160M plus). 


The rampant spending from a team known for its thriftiness has the South Beach all aflutter about making a run at the championship in the first year in their new stadium, and the inevitable fire sale that will soon follow.


"We have the new stadium, which is the jewel of the baseball world, built on the taxpayers dime," Marlin's owner Jeffrey Loria said, "we owe it to them to put the best team we possibly can for two or three seasons before selling the players off to the highest bidder."


The Miami Marlins reportedly missed out on Pujols, arguably the best player of his generation, solely because they refused to offer him even a partial no-trade clause in what would have been a record tying contract (Yankees third baseman/Ming Vase Alex Rodriguez is currently in the fifth year of a 10 year, $275M contract), stressing that their team policy is to ensure that no matter how long they commit to a player, they need the flexibility to dismantle their team at any given moment.


"We have a new stadium, a new energetic manager in [former White Sox Manager Ozzie] Guillen, and a whole new attitude," Loria said, "so we're looking to pick up some new hardware. Before we give up completely and shuffle the deck again, which should happen within three years, tops."


The Marlins are the only team to win the World Series without winning their division, a feat they accomplished twice, in 1997 and 2003. Both Championships were immediately followed by the trading and release of several key players. 


"Teams like The Boston Red Sox and Chicago White Sox," Marlin's president of baseball operations Larry Beinfest said, "they spend money year after year, and they each went eighty something years without a championship. The Cubs spent $125 million last season, and last time they won a championship, Butch and Sundance were still alive. We think it's easier, not to mention more financially responsible, to spend a lot of money all at once, win a championship, and then trade off everything worth anything the next season and spend the next five to ten years scrimping. Two championships in twenty years, and only four of them were spent as a competitive franchise. Not too shabby."


With the off-season not even half way over, fans everywhere are looking for the Marlins to continue to make moves, acquire players through trade and free agency, and then ship them off before the team ever has a chance to form a coherent sense of unity.


The Miami Marlins starting roster, assuming no other trades are made, is presented below.




The Chicago Cubs were busy weeping openly about their 104 year championship drought, and were unable to comment.


Saturday, July 09, 2011

Ranger Fans File Restraining Order Against Josh Hamilton

Arlington, TX - Several thousand Texas Ranger baseball fans have filed for a restraining order against Rangers center fielder Josh Hamilton on Friday, according to local authorities. The order, filed after two incidents of fan injury, one fatal, in the span of two days, prohibits Hamilton from entering a radius of 50 feet from any fan at the ballpark without proper supervision.

On Thursday, Hamilton threw a foul ball to a Rangers fan, who fell 20 feet head first into a gap behind the out of town scoreboard as he caught the ball for his son. The fan died an hour later from blunt force trauma to the head. Then on Friday, Hamilton smashed a foul ball into the stands which struck a young male fan in the face. The two incidents led fans to seek the order.

In order to comply with the legal ruling, Hamilton has been moved to second base, and has been prohibited from chasing balls that stray too close to wherever fans are seated. In between innings, Hamilton must be escorted to and from the dugout by two court appointed social workers, and all warm up swings must be taken within the front seven inches of the batters box, not the traditional on deck circle, which rests within the forbidden area. In the event that Hamilton finds himself in possession of a dead ball, he has been instructed to lie on the ground with his hands at his sides until trained personnel can remove the potentially fatal projectile from his possession. Hamilton must also only slide to the inside of the plate.

Vince Coleman was unavailable for comment as of press time.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Antonio Cromartie Still Optimistic Jets Could Make Super Bowl

New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie remained optimistic that his team could earn a berth to Super Bowl XLV despite the notable handicap that the Jets were eliminated from the NFL playoffs last Sunday, losing the AFC Championship game to the Pittsburgh Steelers 24-19.

"We just have to keep on believing," Cromartie said, apparently with no understanding whatsoever of the concept of a single elimination tournament. "Things didn't go our way that night, but we can recover from this. We're just too good a team to go down like this."

Despite being told by several teammates, team officials, members of the press, family members and extensive coverage on every major media outlet in the world that his team was done for the season, Cromartie remained steadfast in his belief that the Jets, with enough determination and hard work, could hoist the Lombardi Trophy in front of the assembled masses in Arlington on February 6th.

"Ben Roethlisberger?" Cromartie said. "Please. He doesn't have what it takes to win a Super Bowl. The Steelers defense won't be able to stop a runny nose the next time we face them for the right to get to Super Bowl XLV."

Cromartie then went on to make several disparaging remarks about the Steelers receivers, defensive coach Dick LeBeau, and team owner and US Ambassador to Ireland Art Rooney.

"And don't get me started on Aaron Rodgers, man. He's just a backup. Brett Favre is so beat up he couldn't finish the season and this guy thinks he can take his place?"

When reminded that Favre no longer plays for the Green Bay Packers, and in fact, had played for Cromartie's own team two years ago before finishing his career with the Minnesota Vikings, the back merely shook his head. "Don't matter. We'll beat them too. We're going all the way this year, BABY!"

Mark Sanchez was busy splicing newspaper clippings together that suggested the AFC's performance in the Pro Bowl could somehow change the outcome of the AFC Championship and was unavailable for comment.
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