Sunday, December 02, 2007


Did anyone know that Hockey is going on? I know my good fiend Bill over at American Caesar Salad is aware of it. But why come I haven't heard about anything going on? Why did I not know the Rangers were atop the Atlantic Division? Why haven't I been informed that the Eastern Conference leading Ottawa Senators have lost five straight? Why haven't I been regailed with tales of the reemergence of the Red Wings in Hockeytown USA?

Hockey has long been considered the misunderstood freaky step-brother of the professional sports world. Sort of like Cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch. Baseball is the older brother, the intelligent mentor type, like David Bradford in Eight is Enough; Football, the middle, brash, celebrity brother, like Will Smith in Fresh Prince; and basketball, the youngest, the trash talker, like Arnold Drummond in Diff'rent Strokes. (Soccer is to be considered the Wilder Valderrama's Fez; not quite part of the American Sports family, but embraced by a large audience.) Hockey needs to be a little less modest, a little more loud. Not the game itself, but it's presentation. It needs to create more buzz. Because once football ends, there's a huge gulf of dead air before baseball launches anew, and I need SOME sort of sport to fill that gap, and I HATE basketball.

So get on that, Hockey. Put on some rouge and your stilettos, shorten the skirt, and boost that cleavage. Work it, damn it.

Ugh. I just gave myself the visual of Cousin Oliver in heels and a skirt. ::BLURF::

Miami Lice

The Dolphins enter today's action 0-11. That's awesome. I sincerely hope that they end the season 0-16. Don Shula, keep your nose out of the microphones. Yeah, we know, your 1972 Dolphins team went 17-0, to this day, the only perfect season in NFL History. Just shut up, already. I'm sick of hearing it.

Yes, Bill Belichick continually mocks the NFL and it's rules. He's withheld injury reports. He's video taped opposing sidelines. He's sacrificed live babies to the demon God Krovath. He is, in short, an asshole. But the team isn't winning on his tom foolery alone. They still have one of the greatest living quarterbacks, Tom Brady, and one of the most potent offenses since Operation Desert Storm. Yes, they cheated, but they have been penalized already.

Stop abusing the asterisk. Better yet, stop chicken littling until there is legitimate reason. The Patriots are 11-0, but there is a long way to go before perfection. Let's take a look at the upcoming schedule. Baltimore... O.K., 12-0 is a real possibility. My own beloved Steelers, who are without their best defensive player. And they did take almost an entire game just to score on the fucking Dolphins. Hmm. Well, if my Steel Curtain can't shut them down, then the Jets... crap. That puts them at 14-0. Well, looking at the last game of the season, which would be the hardest, they face the Giants. They're not... hmm. I guess we'd have to rely on the Week 15 opponent to take them down before they get there! Let's see who they're playing in Week 15... FUCK, it's the Dolphins. And we all know that the Dolphins are the WORST TEAM IN PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL.

Shut up, Don. Stop whining. You want to keep the Patriots from being undefeated? Well then have that sad sack collection of losers in Miami win a few games. Just one, in Week 15, ought to do the trick.