Sunday, November 16, 2008

Yanks offer C.C. Sabathia everything but the kitchen sink... and and what the Hell, the kitchen sink too

The New York Yankees made headlines Friday when it was revealed that they offered free agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia more than $140 million dollars over 6 years. Holy Crap.

The internet rages now over how the Yankees are assholes for trying to buy a championship, and how C.C. Sabathia will be "forced" to play for the Yankees. To that, I offer a nice hearty Smart Centipede "go fuck yourselves, schmucks."

I am not a Yankee fan. Far from it. I think George Steinbrenner is the Veruca Salt of Major League Baseball, and his sons are no better. Yes, they are attempting to buy a championship. DUH. They weren't trying to buy a third place finish last year, now were they? The people who scream and kick about the Yankees outspending everyone every year are missing the point. They have the highest payroll in baseball for the past decade (if it feels like longer, you're almost right; in 1998 Baltimore outspent the Yankees by $207,223, and the last time the Yankees spent more than a year off the top of the payroll charts were during the 1992-1993 Toronto Blue Jays consecutive championships). So in the 15 years since 1994, the Yankees have had the highest payroll in baseball 14 times. In that span, they have won 3 World Series Championships (that 1998 one was during the Orioles brief tenure). What is the important stat there, kids?

You guessed it: the important stat there is that in 11 of those years, George Steinbrenner emptied his wallet on the world, and bought himself an empty space on the trophy shelf. YES! Is there a sweeter futility than George Steinbrenner futility?

So go ahead, Yankees. Give C.C. Sabathia the keys to the U.N., a cast spot on Saturday Night Live, controlling interest in Microsoft, a percentage of all the toll money taken in by the bridges and tunnels in New York City, and naming rights to new teammate Nick Swisher's first born child. Chances are, they'll drop in the first round because of bugs or something.

In the mean time, here are some fun things people can say to Yankee fans who say that their team is just "willing to spend the money to win championships" :

1.) I forget, what was the payroll of the team who won the AL East and the AL Championship last year?

2.) ::cough while saying "Carl Pavano"::

3.) The 2004 A...L...C...S. Oh, yeah!