Sunday, July 18, 2010

The Holy Trinity

Call the cops; the Miami Heat just stole the crown.

In the biggest coup in the free-agent era, in one fell swoop the Miami Heat re-signed Dwyane Wade and signed Chris Bosh, providing Miami with two of the three biggest names in the free-agent pool. Then, King James came down from Ego Mountain and signed right up next to them. Miami, having structured their contracts five years in advance to clear up cap space, has landed the trifecta.

It gets better. Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert has deemed LeBron James is the Anti-Christ. In an open letter to Cleveland Cavalier fans, he called James a coward for leaving Cleveland the way he did, and signing to play with two other superstars. He then went ahead and guaranteed that the Cleveland Cavaliers would win a championship before LeBron would ever see a ring.

I would like to invite Dan Gilbert to put down his crack pipe and rejoin reality.

With Wade, Bosh and James on the floor at the same time, the Heat have a MAJOR advantage over any other team in the East. With the free-agent centers out there still available (like Shaq, who is looking to finish his career with a contender and will take a mid-level exception contract, HINT HINT, Heat owner Micky Arison) so long as they sign someone with a pulse, they could put a rabid mountain goat at point guard and still win a Championship. Seriously, I could run point on that team and come home with a ring (and I am still available, should any NBA team want to take a look at me).

Meanwhile, let's take a look at the Cavalier's roster:

Point Guard - Mo Williams, Ramon Sessions

Shooting Guard - Anthony Parker, Daniel Gibson

Small Forward - Jamario Moon, Danny Green

Power Forward - J.J. Hickson, Antawn Jamison

Center - Anderson Varejao, Ryan Hollins

Now, let's take a look at the available free agents who MIGHT stand a chance at helping the Cavs slip past the Heat in the Eastern Conference Finals:

Tracy McGrady
Allen Iverson
Shaquille O'Neal
Green Lantern
a chronologically displaced George Mikan
that alien robot from The Day The Earth Stood Still (new version)
a genetically engineered clone featuring the DNA of Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Wilt Chamberlain, Julius Erving, and Chewbacca
Chewbacca himself

Sorry, Danny Boy.
There was an error in this gadget