Friday, September 26, 2008

Prince Fielder Tests Positive For Fudge; Remains Dignity-Free

MILWAUKEE (AP) - In a shocking turn of events, Milwaukee Brewers First Baseman Prince Fielder has tested positive for "dangerous amounts" of fudge, according to an unnamed source inside MLB Commissioner Bud Selig's office.

The Brewers defeated the Pittsburgh Pirates 7-5 on Tuesday when Fielder, son of former Tiger-Great/Fully-Fed-Tick Cecil Fielder, hit a two run walk off homerun off of Pirates reliever T.J. Beam, keeping pace with the New York Mets for the NL Wildcard. Fielder, as has been Brewers tradition this season, pulled his shirt up rounding first, revealing his gargantuan stomach to the home crowd. Nineteen Brewers fans were taken to area hospitals suffering from headaches, nausea, and loss of appetite.

While many fans see the Brewers shirt antics as taunting the opposition, Mike Cameron, who started the tradition, explains that when his father was done with work, the first thing he would do is untuck his shirt, and this symbolic gesture is meant as a way to further emphasize the blue-collar work ethic of the Brewers.

None could foresee the dramatic turn of events the demonstration would have unleashed. Upon witnessing Fielder's unsightly, naked girth, officials immediately called for testing to be done on the 24 year old slugger. The disturbing results were returned to the commissioner's office within a day, and the shocking news was announced late Wednesday evening by Daniel Herfester, MLB's Director of Health and Confections.

"Prince has tested positive for eight different types of fudge, including marbled, peanut butter, and white chocolate. His fudge levels are what we would consider to be dangerous. His blood also contained trace amounts of mushroom beef gravy, and we discovered a bolus of whipped cream that had congealed in his left ventricle."

Tests further revealed a bezoar of unclassified Gummi material weighing roughly 19 pounds lodged in a separate "annex" of Fielder's gut. "Apparently there was so much Gummi in his stomach that it was forced to grow a separate 'cave' for it," Herfester said, choking back his own vomit. "I don't know if it was bears, worms, fish, or a combination of the three gummi types, but there was also evidence of some Sour Patch Kids in there."

Selig has indicated that some sort of suspension may be in order. "I mean, there's nothing in the rules against it," Selig said between dry heaves, "but c'mon. He makes David Wells look like John Basedow. He should be punished somehow."

Fielder was busy playing the radiator in his junkyard band, and could not be reached for comment.

In a related story, Brewers relief pitcher/Seth Rogen stunt double Eric Gange, disgusted by Fielder's incomprehensible paunch, has decided to institute another tradition to replace it. "When my dad was done with work, he would drink a Seagrams & 7 and hit mom." Valerie Gagne has been unavailable for comment, but released a press statement announcing that the Gagne household has "just installed a bunch of new doors, and it has been tough going remembering where they all are as I'm walking through them."