The AFC is still a jumbled mess running into Week 17. Six teams are still in the hunt, making this one of the most challenging and complex playoff scenarios ever.
..................................................................................................
BALTIMORE
WIN: If the Ravens win against the Oakland Raiders (who seem to be playing the spoiler role pretty decently), the Ravens are in, regardless of other results.
TIE: If they tie, and the Jets lose, a Bronco loss or tie AND a Texan loss or tie would get them in. If they tie, and the Jets tie or win, they can still make it if the Steelers, Broncos AND Texans tie or lose.
LOSS: If the Ravens lose, they are out, regardless of other results.
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NEW YORK
WIN: If they defeat the Cincinnati Bengals, The Jets are in, regardless of other results.
TIE: If they tie, and any three of the Steelers, Broncos, Texans, and Ravens lose or tie, the Jets are in. Any two of those teams win, the Jets are history.
LOSS:If the Jets lose, they are out, regardless of other results.
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(Now it gets complicated.)
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DENVER
WIN: If the Broncos win against the Kansas City Chiefs, they also need one of the following things to happen first: the Jets losing or tying, or the Ravens losing or tying. If both lose, the Broncos are in outright. If one of those teams wins, the Broncos can still make it if the Texans win or the the Steelers lose or tie.
TIE: If they tie and the Ravens lose, they need a Jets loss, a Texans loss or tie AND a Steelers loss or tie. If they tie and the Ravens win, they need a Jets loss, a Steelers loss or tie, and ironically enough they need the Texans to tie; a Texan win knocks them out in favor of the Texans, a Texans loss knocks them out in favor of the Steelers.
LOSS: Should the Broncos LOSE to the Chiefs, they can STILL make the playoffs. A Steelers loss, and a loss by three of four teams (Ravens, Jets, Texans, and Jaguars) will get the Broncos in. If the Broncos lose and the Steelers win or tie with the Dolphins, the Broncos need the Jets, Ravens and Texans to lose and the Jaguars to lose or tie.
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PITTSBURGH
WIN: If they win against the Dolphins, they still need the following: a Texans loss or tie coupled with a loss or tie by either the Jets or Ravens, OR a Jets, Ravens, AND Broncos loss or tie.
TIE: If they tie, then the Steelers need three of the following teams to lose: Ravens, Broncos, Jets and Texans, with some exceptions. If the Texans, Jets OR Ravens win, only a Broncos win would push the Steelers out, a Broncos tie would let the Steelers creep in. If the Broncos win, any other tie or win would knock out the Steelers.
LOSS: If the Steelers lose, they are out, regardless of other results.
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MIAMI
WIN: They must beat the Steelers, and then the Dolphins still need losses by the Jets, Texans, AND Ravens, and a Jaguars loss or tie. Any other result will not get them in.
TIE: If the Dolphins tie, they are out, regardless of other results.
LOSS: If the Dolphins lose, they are out, regardless of other results.
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HOUSTON
WIN: With a win against the New England Patriots, the Texans need two losses or ties by the Ravens, Jets, or Broncos in any combination.
TIE: If the Texans tie, and the Ravens OR Jets win, they need losses by the Broncos and Jets OR Ravens and a loss or tie from the Steelers. If the Texans tie, and the Ravens AND Jets lose, a Denver loss or a Steelers loss or tie finds them in the playoffs.
LOSS: If the Texans lose, they are out, regardless of other results.
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JACKSONVILLE
WIN: Even with a probable victory over the Cleveland Browns, the Jaguars need FOUR losses from the following five teams: the Broncos, Ravens, Steelers, Jets and Texans. If two of those teams so much as tie, the Jaguars are done.
TIE: If the Jaguars tie, they are out, regardless of other results.
LOSS: If the Jaguars lose, they are out, regardless of other results.
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That being said, the Bengals and Patriots are still vying for 3rd & 4th seeds, which could mean home field if both teams make it to the AFC Championship. I'm hoping that they'll both be playing their starters for most of the contest.
My picks:
Jacksonville over Cleveland
Denver over KC
Baltimore over Oakland
Pittsburgh over Miami
Cincinnati over New York
New England over Houston
Final AFC Seeding:
1.) Indianapolis Colts
2.) San Diego Chargers
3.) New England Patriots
4.) Cincinnati Bengals
5.) Baltimore Ravens
6.) Pittsburgh Steelers
Saturday, January 02, 2010
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Mets "Totally Pissed" at Tigers For Hackneyed Collapse
The New York Mets announced today that they were "totally pissed" at the Detroit Tigers for "stealing their bit," as one player put it.
The Detroit Tigers were eliminated from the MLB playoffs, despite spending 146 days atop the weak American League Central Division and having a seven game lead with a month to play as well as having a seemingly insurmountable 3 game lead with only four games remaining. The Tigers ended the regular season tied with the Minnesota Twins, who eliminated them in a one game playoff Tuesday.
"This is such bullshit," Mets Centerfielder Carlos Beltran said. "The whole 'giving up an insurmountable lead at the last possible moment' thing? That's us."
"Everybody knows it," Mets third baseman David Wright agreed. "We perfected the art of giving our fans false hope and snatching it back with mediocre play and uninspired effort. Who do they think they are?"
Reliever Francisco Rodriguez was also visibly perturbed. "The way this team collapsed down the stretch not only last season, but the season before that, was truly epic. To be a part of this team, to play every day with guys who know how to play the chump like that, it's magical. But [the Tigers] think they are the new Washington Generals around here," Rodriguez said, polishing the last-place Washington Nationals' Justin Maxwell walk-off grand slam ball that he retrieved from the fan who caught it on Sept. 30.
Reliever J.J. Putz likewise lamented the missed opportunity to hang his head in abject shame and inconceivable embarrassment. "If we hadn't had so many injuries this season, we would have been right there at the top of the division, waiting to choke it away to the Phillies yet again. But now, we have to watch some other group of guys mope."
"Fuck," he added, shaking his head.
Starting pitcher Johan Santana seemed cautiously optimistic, however, encouraging his teammates to remember this feeling so they could catapult themselves back to the top of the N.L. East for all but the last moments of the 2010 season. "We can do it," he said. "We just need to work hard next year, build as large a lead as we can, and then choke like an infant with a ping pong ball lodged in it's throat. That proud Mets tradition."
The Chicago Cubs were in therapy and unavailable for comment.
The Detroit Tigers were eliminated from the MLB playoffs, despite spending 146 days atop the weak American League Central Division and having a seven game lead with a month to play as well as having a seemingly insurmountable 3 game lead with only four games remaining. The Tigers ended the regular season tied with the Minnesota Twins, who eliminated them in a one game playoff Tuesday.
"This is such bullshit," Mets Centerfielder Carlos Beltran said. "The whole 'giving up an insurmountable lead at the last possible moment' thing? That's us."
"Everybody knows it," Mets third baseman David Wright agreed. "We perfected the art of giving our fans false hope and snatching it back with mediocre play and uninspired effort. Who do they think they are?"
Reliever Francisco Rodriguez was also visibly perturbed. "The way this team collapsed down the stretch not only last season, but the season before that, was truly epic. To be a part of this team, to play every day with guys who know how to play the chump like that, it's magical. But [the Tigers] think they are the new Washington Generals around here," Rodriguez said, polishing the last-place Washington Nationals' Justin Maxwell walk-off grand slam ball that he retrieved from the fan who caught it on Sept. 30.
Reliever J.J. Putz likewise lamented the missed opportunity to hang his head in abject shame and inconceivable embarrassment. "If we hadn't had so many injuries this season, we would have been right there at the top of the division, waiting to choke it away to the Phillies yet again. But now, we have to watch some other group of guys mope."
"Fuck," he added, shaking his head.
Starting pitcher Johan Santana seemed cautiously optimistic, however, encouraging his teammates to remember this feeling so they could catapult themselves back to the top of the N.L. East for all but the last moments of the 2010 season. "We can do it," he said. "We just need to work hard next year, build as large a lead as we can, and then choke like an infant with a ping pong ball lodged in it's throat. That proud Mets tradition."
The Chicago Cubs were in therapy and unavailable for comment.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
At the Risk of Repeating Myself...
I have officially declared myself eligible for the 2009 NBA Draft.
Why should any team spend a pick on me?
Unlike many of the players currently in the NBA, I am STILL drug free.
I STILL have no criminal record.
As a 6' fat white guy, I'm the last one they'd expect to hit the big shot.
I do not frequent strip clubs, nor do I whack hookers over the head with table legs.
It would be a media bonanza.
I can hit the wide open three. Defended, not so much. But hey, Mike Penberthy got a full season, why shouldn't I?
I am the ultimate team player; I can put the starter's tear away pants back together when they come back off the bench.
I am destined to be an analyst on ESPN; the GM that picks me could take credit for launching my career.
Seriously, guys. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.
Why should any team spend a pick on me?
Unlike many of the players currently in the NBA, I am STILL drug free.
I STILL have no criminal record.
As a 6' fat white guy, I'm the last one they'd expect to hit the big shot.
I do not frequent strip clubs, nor do I whack hookers over the head with table legs.
It would be a media bonanza.
I can hit the wide open three. Defended, not so much. But hey, Mike Penberthy got a full season, why shouldn't I?
I am the ultimate team player; I can put the starter's tear away pants back together when they come back off the bench.
I am destined to be an analyst on ESPN; the GM that picks me could take credit for launching my career.
Seriously, guys. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.
Monday, February 02, 2009
STEELERS!!!!!!!!
Holy crap, what a game. The Cardinals gained a tremendous amount of respect from me for making it so close (and gave me about four heart attacks along the way). Despite their best efforts to lose the game, the Steeler's offensive line managed to be saved by the toenails of Super Bowl MVP Santonio Holmes (c'mon, fellas, holding IN YOUR OWN ENDZONE?!?)
This game had it ALL.
You want the longest play in Super Bowl history? Done. James Harrison's 100 yard interception ending in a head first (literally) flip into the end zone was the longest ever, and at the end of the half, no less. He comes up one inch short, and there's no time left, no score on the play, and it's all for nothing. The best possible ending for the play happened. The only thing missing was Harrison rising like Cuba Gooding Jr. in Jerry McGuire and waving to the crowd.
You want an aging quarterback to show that he still can play like an MVP, despite the fact that many people around the league (and the world, myself included) considered him washed up? Done. Kurt Warner's Cards were down 10-0, but he ended up throwing an MVP-like performance, going 31-43, with 377 yards and 3 TDs. Surely, that yardage has gotta be the best performance ever? No, it was good enough for 2nd, beating Kurt Warner's 365 yards in Super Bowl 36, but it fell short of Kurt Warner's 414 yards in Super Bowl 34. You read that right. He has put in the top three totals in Super Bowl history. I will refrain from referring to him as Bag Boy. Instead, I will go back to making fun of the hydrocephalic Peyton Manning.
You want the biggest rally in Super Bowl history? Done. The Cardinals came back to take the lead in the 4th quarter despite having trailed 20-7. If they had won, it would have made for great cinema. Luckily for me and everyone in Pittsburgh, this is not cinema.
You want a team of relative unknowns getting their due in the national spotlight? Done. What non-Cardinal fans among us could name more than two or three Cardinals before this playoff run? Now, everyone will be on the lookout for Karlos Dansby, and have the chance to titter at Steve Breaston's name.
You want the next big thing? Done. Larry Fitzgerald set a playoff record with 546 yards this post season, and put himself (and his dad) in the national spotlight, and tugged on the heart strings of every woman viewer in the room with his Mommy story. Awwww.
You want a young QB proving he has the moxie to lead a team through the trenches into Super Bowl history? Done. Ben Roethlisberger showed he is one of the NFL's elite quarterbacks, delivering clutch passes in dire circumstances, escaping what looked to be certain sackage time and time again, and driving the Steelers 78 yards to the Cardinal end zone, delivering a pass that can only be adequately described as surgical in it's precision, to the impossibly perfectly positioned Santonio Holmes, who couldn't have executed a more perfect demonstration of dragging both feet while getting maximum extension out of his frame. All this on a broken play.
This Super Bowl rivaled the previous one in every way except one. The underdogs didn't win this one, like the Giants slicing apart the Patriots perfect season last year. But it beats it in drama, if you ask me. The big play of last year's Super Bowl, David Tyree's miracle catch, extended the eventual game winning drive. Holmes' miracle grab actually won the game.
Perfect.
This game had it ALL.
You want the longest play in Super Bowl history? Done. James Harrison's 100 yard interception ending in a head first (literally) flip into the end zone was the longest ever, and at the end of the half, no less. He comes up one inch short, and there's no time left, no score on the play, and it's all for nothing. The best possible ending for the play happened. The only thing missing was Harrison rising like Cuba Gooding Jr. in Jerry McGuire and waving to the crowd.
You want an aging quarterback to show that he still can play like an MVP, despite the fact that many people around the league (and the world, myself included) considered him washed up? Done. Kurt Warner's Cards were down 10-0, but he ended up throwing an MVP-like performance, going 31-43, with 377 yards and 3 TDs. Surely, that yardage has gotta be the best performance ever? No, it was good enough for 2nd, beating Kurt Warner's 365 yards in Super Bowl 36, but it fell short of Kurt Warner's 414 yards in Super Bowl 34. You read that right. He has put in the top three totals in Super Bowl history. I will refrain from referring to him as Bag Boy. Instead, I will go back to making fun of the hydrocephalic Peyton Manning.
You want the biggest rally in Super Bowl history? Done. The Cardinals came back to take the lead in the 4th quarter despite having trailed 20-7. If they had won, it would have made for great cinema. Luckily for me and everyone in Pittsburgh, this is not cinema.
You want a team of relative unknowns getting their due in the national spotlight? Done. What non-Cardinal fans among us could name more than two or three Cardinals before this playoff run? Now, everyone will be on the lookout for Karlos Dansby, and have the chance to titter at Steve Breaston's name.
You want the next big thing? Done. Larry Fitzgerald set a playoff record with 546 yards this post season, and put himself (and his dad) in the national spotlight, and tugged on the heart strings of every woman viewer in the room with his Mommy story. Awwww.
You want a young QB proving he has the moxie to lead a team through the trenches into Super Bowl history? Done. Ben Roethlisberger showed he is one of the NFL's elite quarterbacks, delivering clutch passes in dire circumstances, escaping what looked to be certain sackage time and time again, and driving the Steelers 78 yards to the Cardinal end zone, delivering a pass that can only be adequately described as surgical in it's precision, to the impossibly perfectly positioned Santonio Holmes, who couldn't have executed a more perfect demonstration of dragging both feet while getting maximum extension out of his frame. All this on a broken play.
This Super Bowl rivaled the previous one in every way except one. The underdogs didn't win this one, like the Giants slicing apart the Patriots perfect season last year. But it beats it in drama, if you ask me. The big play of last year's Super Bowl, David Tyree's miracle catch, extended the eventual game winning drive. Holmes' miracle grab actually won the game.
Perfect.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Steelers!
Whoo-hoo!
They've beaten the (other) toughest defense in the NFL, so now they're going against the Arizona Cardinals. Um, yeah, you read that right. The Arizona Cardinals. No, THE Arizona Cardinals. Yes, the football franchise. Yes, Kurt Warner's Arizona Cardinals.
How the HELL are the Cardinals in the Super Bowl?
To someone who only looked at the standings in Week 8, it may seem like a league wide "We are Marshall" type accident has slain half of the NFC, and only the Cardinals are left intact. But no, like Leonidas in 300, they stabbed the Atlanta Falcons through the neck with their spear, yanked it free and threw it through the chest of the Carolina Panthers, and then used their sword to decapitate the Philadelphia Eagles.
Just keep in mind that Leonidas eventually fell. As will Arizona.
Steelers! YYYYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
They've beaten the (other) toughest defense in the NFL, so now they're going against the Arizona Cardinals. Um, yeah, you read that right. The Arizona Cardinals. No, THE Arizona Cardinals. Yes, the football franchise. Yes, Kurt Warner's Arizona Cardinals.
How the HELL are the Cardinals in the Super Bowl?
To someone who only looked at the standings in Week 8, it may seem like a league wide "We are Marshall" type accident has slain half of the NFC, and only the Cardinals are left intact. But no, like Leonidas in 300, they stabbed the Atlanta Falcons through the neck with their spear, yanked it free and threw it through the chest of the Carolina Panthers, and then used their sword to decapitate the Philadelphia Eagles.
Just keep in mind that Leonidas eventually fell. As will Arizona.
Steelers! YYYYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Yanks offer C.C. Sabathia everything but the kitchen sink... and and what the Hell, the kitchen sink too
The New York Yankees made headlines Friday when it was revealed that they offered free agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia more than $140 million dollars over 6 years. Holy Crap.
The internet rages now over how the Yankees are assholes for trying to buy a championship, and how C.C. Sabathia will be "forced" to play for the Yankees. To that, I offer a nice hearty Smart Centipede "go fuck yourselves, schmucks."
I am not a Yankee fan. Far from it. I think George Steinbrenner is the Veruca Salt of Major League Baseball, and his sons are no better. Yes, they are attempting to buy a championship. DUH. They weren't trying to buy a third place finish last year, now were they? The people who scream and kick about the Yankees outspending everyone every year are missing the point. They have the highest payroll in baseball for the past decade (if it feels like longer, you're almost right; in 1998 Baltimore outspent the Yankees by $207,223, and the last time the Yankees spent more than a year off the top of the payroll charts were during the 1992-1993 Toronto Blue Jays consecutive championships). So in the 15 years since 1994, the Yankees have had the highest payroll in baseball 14 times. In that span, they have won 3 World Series Championships (that 1998 one was during the Orioles brief tenure). What is the important stat there, kids?
You guessed it: the important stat there is that in 11 of those years, George Steinbrenner emptied his wallet on the world, and bought himself an empty space on the trophy shelf. YES! Is there a sweeter futility than George Steinbrenner futility?
So go ahead, Yankees. Give C.C. Sabathia the keys to the U.N., a cast spot on Saturday Night Live, controlling interest in Microsoft, a percentage of all the toll money taken in by the bridges and tunnels in New York City, and naming rights to new teammate Nick Swisher's first born child. Chances are, they'll drop in the first round because of bugs or something.
In the mean time, here are some fun things people can say to Yankee fans who say that their team is just "willing to spend the money to win championships" :
1.) I forget, what was the payroll of the team who won the AL East and the AL Championship last year?
2.) ::cough while saying "Carl Pavano"::
3.) The 2004 A...L...C...S. Oh, yeah!
The internet rages now over how the Yankees are assholes for trying to buy a championship, and how C.C. Sabathia will be "forced" to play for the Yankees. To that, I offer a nice hearty Smart Centipede "go fuck yourselves, schmucks."
I am not a Yankee fan. Far from it. I think George Steinbrenner is the Veruca Salt of Major League Baseball, and his sons are no better. Yes, they are attempting to buy a championship. DUH. They weren't trying to buy a third place finish last year, now were they? The people who scream and kick about the Yankees outspending everyone every year are missing the point. They have the highest payroll in baseball for the past decade (if it feels like longer, you're almost right; in 1998 Baltimore outspent the Yankees by $207,223, and the last time the Yankees spent more than a year off the top of the payroll charts were during the 1992-1993 Toronto Blue Jays consecutive championships). So in the 15 years since 1994, the Yankees have had the highest payroll in baseball 14 times. In that span, they have won 3 World Series Championships (that 1998 one was during the Orioles brief tenure). What is the important stat there, kids?
You guessed it: the important stat there is that in 11 of those years, George Steinbrenner emptied his wallet on the world, and bought himself an empty space on the trophy shelf. YES! Is there a sweeter futility than George Steinbrenner futility?
So go ahead, Yankees. Give C.C. Sabathia the keys to the U.N., a cast spot on Saturday Night Live, controlling interest in Microsoft, a percentage of all the toll money taken in by the bridges and tunnels in New York City, and naming rights to new teammate Nick Swisher's first born child. Chances are, they'll drop in the first round because of bugs or something.
In the mean time, here are some fun things people can say to Yankee fans who say that their team is just "willing to spend the money to win championships" :
1.) I forget, what was the payroll of the team who won the AL East and the AL Championship last year?
2.) ::cough while saying "Carl Pavano"::
3.) The 2004 A...L...C...S. Oh, yeah!
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