Ryan Braun: Vindicated, or Just Another Cheater With Better Lawyers?

Waste of Talent    +    Liquid Waste    +    Waste of Flesh    =     Waste of Time

In case you've been living under a rock, Milwaukee Brewers left fielder Ryan Braun, in the midst of his NL MVP campaign, tested positive for elevated levels of testosterone and traces of synthetic testosterone in two separate samples that he provided to MLB for their mandatory drug testing. This is punishable by a 50 game suspension for first time offenders. In the face of losing a third of his season, Braun did what everyone else would do; he appealed the decision and pouted like a little bitch.

While everyone in Milwaukee prepared for a 50 game suck fest without their two best players from last year (after fat bastard Prince Fielder went to the Detroit Tigers as a free agent), Ryan Braun and his lawyers went to work trying to find a weakness in MLB's case against him. They found one: Fed Ex isn't open on Saturdays, and the courier, following the protocol used by every other anti-doping and drug testing organization involved in sports in any way, put the whiz in the fridge and waited until he could deliver it safe and sound. (Which he did, as the container reached the lab intact, with no evidence of tampering, was tested, and was found containing nearly eight times the allowed ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone (4:1 is a positive result; Braun's was 30:1).)

"There!" Braun's lawyer must have shouted, likely standing on his chair and pointing like Ahab seeing Moby Dick's hump, "that's where we have them!"

See, what Braun and his lawyers want us to believe is that the courier left the wee out of his sight, at which point someone must have broken in, diddled with the piss in it's tamper-proof sample container, and then returned the tamperproof seal to it's pre-tampered state. OF COURSE.

"Yeah... Okay, sure," Shyam Das, the arbitrator in charge of the case/mentally retarded douchebag, said. He then reportedly ate a stickful of paste from a jar on his desk and began masturbating furiously by rubbing his adult diaper into his crotch while licking the windows of his hotel room.

Ryan Braun, spitting all over me, you and the game he claims to love

Braun dares to call this justice. He cheated, got caught, and got off on a technicality. This is a miscarriage of justice. It sends the absolute worst message; get a good enough lawyer, find the right loophole, and you too can get away with cheating in the face of iron-clad evidence. He acts like he has done nothing wrong, dares to act like he is the victim. The samples tested positive, and the samples were in tamper-evident containers, which show no evidence of tampering.

I have lost whatever respect I had for Ryan Braun, which was considerable before he cheated the game, the fans, and his organization. Were I in a position of power in MLB, I would insist on Braun being tested weekly. I guarantee you that his numbers will drop off this season, assuming he stops cheating, but the sad truth is he would then simply chalk it up publicly to the stress of being under a microscope and paint himself a victim of yet another insane conspiracy, like he got away with doing here.

"Man, are you guys DUMB!"

Disgrace to the game. Ryan Braun 1, Integrity 0.

Prince Fielder Mulling Offers From Several Foods

Former Milwaukee Brewers first baseman Prince Fielder is one of the more potent names available in this off-season's free agent market, second only to Albert Pujols, who signed with the Los Angeles-Anaheim-California-West Coast-U.S. Angels earlier this week. Fielder, who has hit free agency at age 27, is primed for a huge payday as several teams see his youth as the deciding factor in declaring him the TOP free agent. 

There are several teams that have already made offers to Fielder, and it is rumored that more teams are prepared to make offers very soon. Fielder himself knows the enormity of the decision in front of him. Having spent the winter meetings at his home in Orlando, he is carefully mulling the choices.

"I had a good start to my career in Cheese Wheel, and I thank them for the love and support they've shown me over the past six years. But when it comes down to it, all I got from [management] was a series of short term deals. I've proven I am a legitimate talent, and I am looking for a contract comparable to others of my position. Like the deals signed by Adrian [Gonzalez] in Baked Beans, and Mark [Teixiera] in Bagels. So now I have to look elsewhere. There have been rumors, sure. Cuban Sandwich has been mentioned a bunch of times because of all the money they laid down for Jose [Reyes], Mark [Buehrle] and Heath [Bell], but there's nothing on paper yet. People are saying I'm going to play in Chili, but Nolan Ryan hasn't contacted my agent. Since Albert [Pujols] left, Butter Cake definitely needs a first baseman to defend their title, so maybe. I have also gotten offers from several other delicious locations, so I'm just sitting back and waiting to see where the most appetizing offer comes in from."

Other possibilities Fielder mentioned are Thick Cut Maple Canadian Bacon, Sushi/Coffee, Deep-Dish Pizza, and Rice-a-Roni.

Nationals owner Ted Lerner was busy launching a campaign to make bacon cheese fries drenched in beef gravy the official food of Washington D.C. and could not be reached for comment.