New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie remained optimistic that his team could earn a berth to Super Bowl XLV despite the notable handicap that the Jets were eliminated from the NFL playoffs last Sunday, losing the AFC Championship game to the Pittsburgh Steelers 24-19.
"We just have to keep on believing," Cromartie said, apparently with no understanding whatsoever of the concept of a single elimination tournament. "Things didn't go our way that night, but we can recover from this. We're just too good a team to go down like this."
Despite being told by several teammates, team officials, members of the press, family members and extensive coverage on every major media outlet in the world that his team was done for the season, Cromartie remained steadfast in his belief that the Jets, with enough determination and hard work, could hoist the Lombardi Trophy in front of the assembled masses in Arlington on February 6th.
"Ben Roethlisberger?" Cromartie said. "Please. He doesn't have what it takes to win a Super Bowl. The Steelers defense won't be able to stop a runny nose the next time we face them for the right to get to Super Bowl XLV."
Cromartie then went on to make several disparaging remarks about the Steelers receivers, defensive coach Dick LeBeau, and team owner and US Ambassador to Ireland Art Rooney.
"And don't get me started on Aaron Rodgers, man. He's just a backup. Brett Favre is so beat up he couldn't finish the season and this guy thinks he can take his place?"
When reminded that Favre no longer plays for the Green Bay Packers, and in fact, had played for Cromartie's own team two years ago before finishing his career with the Minnesota Vikings, the back merely shook his head. "Don't matter. We'll beat them too. We're going all the way this year, BABY!"
Mark Sanchez was busy splicing newspaper clippings together that suggested the AFC's performance in the Pro Bowl could somehow change the outcome of the AFC Championship and was unavailable for comment.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Monday, December 13, 2010
Brett Favre Misses Start, Ends Streak
Vikings Quarterback/Undead-Zombie-Walker Brett Favre is listed as inactive for tonight's game against the New York Giants, marking the end of his remarkable streak of consecutive games started at 297, which is an NFL record.
Favre's status was in doubt after he left last week's contest against the Buffalo Bills after only three plays, being driven to the ground by Bills Linebacker Arthur Moats. He listed in the injury report as inactive for the first time in his career. It marks the first time he has not played a down since September of 1992.
Favre was initially still going to play through the injury. But while team doctors were prepping him for his 298th start, the life insurance policy and waiver that team officials were making him sign sliced the skin on the back of his left forearm. The paper cut caused Favre to inhale sharply. "Hey! Ow!" he reportedly exclaimed. After examining the cut, Favre then decided he was too traumatized to continue.
"It really stings," Favre added.
Favre's status was in doubt after he left last week's contest against the Buffalo Bills after only three plays, being driven to the ground by Bills Linebacker Arthur Moats. He listed in the injury report as inactive for the first time in his career. It marks the first time he has not played a down since September of 1992.
Favre was initially still going to play through the injury. But while team doctors were prepping him for his 298th start, the life insurance policy and waiver that team officials were making him sign sliced the skin on the back of his left forearm. The paper cut caused Favre to inhale sharply. "Hey! Ow!" he reportedly exclaimed. After examining the cut, Favre then decided he was too traumatized to continue.
"It really stings," Favre added.
The SC joint is only the latest in a long list of injuries Favre has suffered. He has two fractures in his foot, an ankle injury, a neck injury, required stitches to his chin a few weeks ago, has a sore calf, his right elbow has small pieces of radioactive meteorite in it, his back is held together with baling wire, rods and a cured gob if mighty putty serving as a substitute C7 vertebrae, his thumb was replaced with a wooden prosthesis after a combine accident in 2003, and he intentionally completed a sever in his right bicep tendon with the top of a can of Spaghettios in order to return to a game.
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It was rumored that as of game time, Favre was seen encasing his body in pillows and duct tape in an effort to get back onto the field in time for the first series.
Now that Favre has missed his first game in nearly 20 years, the new active leader in consecutive starts is Colts QB Peyton Manning, who has played his entire career suffering from Hydrocephaly.
Monday, November 29, 2010
I Think The Answer Is Obvious, Steve...
Steve Johnson of the Buffalo Bills recently dropped a pass. He then dropped his pants.
The Buffalo Bills, coming in as heavy underdogs to the Pittsburgh Steelers, nevertheless had them on the brink of defeat. Having come back to tie the game in the last seconds of regulation, the Bills were at the Steelers 40-yard line and driving. Buffalo's QB, Ryan Fitzpatrick, sensing weakness in the Pittsburgh secondary, dropped back a good ten yards, took advantage of the superior protection his offensive line was providing, girded up his loins and threw the pass of his career. It was a perfectly placed arcing bomb of a throw, lofting over the Steeler's secondary and towards the outstretched hands of Steve Johnson.
The call by CBS' play-by-play announcer Kevin Harlan:
"Levitre with the nice block at the guard. Going deep- he's got Johnson!"
+PAUSE+
See, I'm a big fan of "what if." Comic books do this all the time, telling alternate reality tales where one crucial event takes place differently, and we get to see the ramifications play out. I'd like to run through a quick what if scenario here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Johnson catches the ball! Touchdown, Bills! The Bills have defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers, 22-16!"
Johnson's end zone celebration would have been something relatively clever (as was his "Why So Serious?" joker t-shirt reply to the Bengals' Terrell Owens and Chad Johnson* being dubbed Batman and Robin), and the Bills would have been recognized as a team making serious strides to recover from their 0-8 start. Ryan Fitzpatrick would have been launched into the spotlight, and suddenly, the Bills would become a team to watch in 2011.
*That's Chad "So great is my vanity that I will disrespect my family by changing my last name to my uniform number" Johnson. I will NEVER, and I mean NEVER, report on him as Chad Ochocinco. EVER.
But that's NOT what happened.
+UNPAUSE+
"Oh, he dropped the ball! That would have been the game winner!"
The Steelers sacked Fitzpatrick two plays later, forcing the Bills to punt. They then drove down the field in a 13 play drive that ended with a Shaun Suisham 41 yard field goal to win. Johnson was reportedly inconsolable after the game, telling reporters he was "humbled" and that he would "never get over this." Mere hours later, he found a way to shift the blame off his own shoulders and onto a wider set. On his Twitter account, Johnson launched the following invective at the almighty:
"I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS IS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..."
He wants to know how he can learn from this? I think the better question is WHAT can he learn from this, and I think the answer is obvious, Steve: God hates the Buffalo Bills.
Don't blame yourself. This started long before you ever got into the picture. It started in the late hours of January 28, 1990, when Bills Coach Marv Levy, sitting at a bar in Buffalo, watching the Denver Broncos drop their fourth Super Bowl, said out loud "Man, I'd give anything for my team to make the Super Bowl four times." An impeccably dressed stranger smelling vaguely of cloves and sulfur smiled as he sat down next to the coach, laid a contract and a pen knife down upon the bar and said "let me help you with that."
Here's the sad thing; there is genuinely a learning opportunity to be had here, and it appears Johnson will miss it. He was likely more focused on what he was going to say, or do, or lift up his shirt and reveal, rather than actually catching the ball. The lesson to be had here is stop acting like a circus clown and focus on making the damned play.
It was refreshing to hear him say he was "humbled" by this loss. There are not enough players in the NFL who know what that word even means, let alone know how to act it. But he goes and drops his pants for all of the internet to see by refusing to take accountability for his own shortcomings. Unless he comes out and states he was Twittering to himself, which, ironically enough, is a possibility. He does seem to praise himself an awful lot.
Hey Steve, remember all those times when there was only one set of footprints in the sand? It's because God was busy pushing Scott Norwood's kick wide right.
The Buffalo Bills, coming in as heavy underdogs to the Pittsburgh Steelers, nevertheless had them on the brink of defeat. Having come back to tie the game in the last seconds of regulation, the Bills were at the Steelers 40-yard line and driving. Buffalo's QB, Ryan Fitzpatrick, sensing weakness in the Pittsburgh secondary, dropped back a good ten yards, took advantage of the superior protection his offensive line was providing, girded up his loins and threw the pass of his career. It was a perfectly placed arcing bomb of a throw, lofting over the Steeler's secondary and towards the outstretched hands of Steve Johnson.
The call by CBS' play-by-play announcer Kevin Harlan:
"Levitre with the nice block at the guard. Going deep- he's got Johnson!"
+PAUSE+
See, I'm a big fan of "what if." Comic books do this all the time, telling alternate reality tales where one crucial event takes place differently, and we get to see the ramifications play out. I'd like to run through a quick what if scenario here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Johnson catches the ball! Touchdown, Bills! The Bills have defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers, 22-16!"
Johnson's end zone celebration would have been something relatively clever (as was his "Why So Serious?" joker t-shirt reply to the Bengals' Terrell Owens and Chad Johnson* being dubbed Batman and Robin), and the Bills would have been recognized as a team making serious strides to recover from their 0-8 start. Ryan Fitzpatrick would have been launched into the spotlight, and suddenly, the Bills would become a team to watch in 2011.
*That's Chad "So great is my vanity that I will disrespect my family by changing my last name to my uniform number" Johnson. I will NEVER, and I mean NEVER, report on him as Chad Ochocinco. EVER.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But that's NOT what happened.
+UNPAUSE+
"Oh, he dropped the ball! That would have been the game winner!"
The Steelers sacked Fitzpatrick two plays later, forcing the Bills to punt. They then drove down the field in a 13 play drive that ended with a Shaun Suisham 41 yard field goal to win. Johnson was reportedly inconsolable after the game, telling reporters he was "humbled" and that he would "never get over this." Mere hours later, he found a way to shift the blame off his own shoulders and onto a wider set. On his Twitter account, Johnson launched the following invective at the almighty:
"I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS IS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..."
He wants to know how he can learn from this? I think the better question is WHAT can he learn from this, and I think the answer is obvious, Steve: God hates the Buffalo Bills.
Don't blame yourself. This started long before you ever got into the picture. It started in the late hours of January 28, 1990, when Bills Coach Marv Levy, sitting at a bar in Buffalo, watching the Denver Broncos drop their fourth Super Bowl, said out loud "Man, I'd give anything for my team to make the Super Bowl four times." An impeccably dressed stranger smelling vaguely of cloves and sulfur smiled as he sat down next to the coach, laid a contract and a pen knife down upon the bar and said "let me help you with that."
Here's the sad thing; there is genuinely a learning opportunity to be had here, and it appears Johnson will miss it. He was likely more focused on what he was going to say, or do, or lift up his shirt and reveal, rather than actually catching the ball. The lesson to be had here is stop acting like a circus clown and focus on making the damned play.
It was refreshing to hear him say he was "humbled" by this loss. There are not enough players in the NFL who know what that word even means, let alone know how to act it. But he goes and drops his pants for all of the internet to see by refusing to take accountability for his own shortcomings. Unless he comes out and states he was Twittering to himself, which, ironically enough, is a possibility. He does seem to praise himself an awful lot.
Hey Steve, remember all those times when there was only one set of footprints in the sand? It's because God was busy pushing Scott Norwood's kick wide right.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
New York Yankees Sign San Francisco's C.F. Wall To Undisclosed Deal
NEW YORK (AP) - The New York Yankees, despondent over their early exit from the 2010 MLB Playoffs, have made a bold move to begin their off season, signing the centerfield wall of the San Francisco Giants' AT&T Park yesterday. The terms of the deal were undisclosed, as San Francisco's Wall is still in post season play.
Wall, fresh off denying Ian Kinsler a homerun in Game 2 of the World Series, was praised by Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman as being a veteran presence in the outfield, citing it's 10 years of outfield experience that instantly puts it second to only Lance Berkman on the Yankees active roster of players who have spent time in the outfield.
At 8' tall, Wall would also become the tallest player ever to don Yankee pinstripes. His playing weight of 2.8 tons would put him second only to Cecil Fielder. Wall stands on the verge of greatness as the Giants are leading the World Series 2-1 over the Texas Rangers. Wall almost had a ring in 2002, but the Giants fell victim to the Anaheim Angels.
 |
| C.F. Wall makes a game saving play against Texas 2B Ian Kinsler in the fifth inning of Thursday's Game 2. |
At 8' tall, Wall would also become the tallest player ever to don Yankee pinstripes. His playing weight of 2.8 tons would put him second only to Cecil Fielder. Wall stands on the verge of greatness as the Giants are leading the World Series 2-1 over the Texas Rangers. Wall almost had a ring in 2002, but the Giants fell victim to the Anaheim Angels.
Giants players were shocked about hearing the news, especially coming in the middle of an exciting World Series pitting two teams that have not won a championship in five decades, despite having smaller payrolls than some of the baseball juggernauts like the Yankees.
"Wait, what?" San Francisco centerfielder Andres Torres was quoted as saying upon learning of the deal.
"Can they do that?" Giants manager Bruce Bochy asked. "I'm pretty sure they can't do that," he added.
 |
| The Giants projected OF for 2011; center field alley and the bleacher crawl space are considered "in play." |
Giants players were not the only ones shocked upon hearing the news. The Texas Rangers themselves had hopes of signing Wall to a deal in the off season, and many players expressed their dismay upon hearing the Yankees had beaten them to the punch, much as the Rangers had signed All-Star Cy Young winning pitcher Cliff Lee when the Yankees seemed all but certain to land him.
"Mother fucker!" Ian Kinsler exclaimed.
The move leaves the Giants scrambling in the off season to find a replacement. The team has stated it's short term plan is a series of lawn chairs, but until they are able to sign them, for now, any balls that roll under the superstructure of AT&T Park's centerfield bleachers will be considered in play.
The news reverberated through out the league. Longtime Chicago Cub Ivy Confines, hoping to end his long and fruitless association with the franchise, was unavailable for comment, but was reported by sources close to him as "inconsolable."
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Classic Fall
It is amusing to me that the 2010 World Series is being heralded as an end to futility for one franchise. One team has had an extended drought in the World Series since betraying their fans. One team out of the Lone Star state has never made an appearance in the Fall Classic since their inception.
Sound familiar? That's because it's been done before, in 2005. Fifty years of futility? PLEASE. Try being a White Sox fan. (Better yet, sell your soul and start following the Cubs if you wanna know about futility.)
I don't get why there is such a big deal being made about this. The White Sox had gone 88 years (longer even than the Boston Red (Sad) Sax) since their last title, and no one made as huge a deal about it. They disappointed their fans back in 1919 by throwing the World Series against the Reds. The Houston Astros had never been to the World Series in their franchise history (43 years). So this has been done before.
So now, the Giants (who disappointed their fans by moving to San Francisco) or the Texas Rangers (who haven't been to the WS in 50 years of existence) are poised to break one of their futility streaks. It's been done. Will it ever be done again, though?
The only two teams left that have not made the World Series are the Washington Nationals and the Seattle Mariners. Normally I'd have to give the edge to the Mariners to make it. But on the other side of the equation, the longest droughts in each league are the Cleveland Indians (1948) and the Chicago Cubs (1908). And there's no WAY the Cubs will ever win the WS again, so I'm gonna have to say it'll be the Indians vs. Nationals in 2015, if the pattern holds. You heard it here first.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Baseball Mini-Musing
As a Cablevision subscriber, I was cheated out of watching Lincecum and Halladay battle it out. The NLCS taken from me by the dueling greed of both Cablevision and Fox, I have only the TBS held ALCS to tide me over. But the TBS crew is killing me. Ron Darling sounds exactly like James Woods, to the point where I keep forgetting it's not him.
Am I alone in this?
Am I alone in this?
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Stickin' It To The Evil Empire
The New York Yankees don't want you to know about the letters written by George Steinbrenner to the author of this blog. So, of course, I'm here to draw as much attention to it as possible.
Because fuck the Yankees, not in the way George wishes he could have fucked this old lady, but in the way that the Yankees are fucking this author who wants to publish a book.
Sounds like we may have the answer to why George was always such a ball breaker; he had a broken heart. Poor widdle Georgie.
Because fuck the Yankees, not in the way George wishes he could have fucked this old lady, but in the way that the Yankees are fucking this author who wants to publish a book.
Sounds like we may have the answer to why George was always such a ball breaker; he had a broken heart. Poor widdle Georgie.
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