America has rolled by like an Army of steamrollers...

Baseball is back baby!

Good luck in the job hunt, Barry...

Official:

I am leaving the country. Not the Alec Baldwin Rage-against-the-government leaving the country, just a two week stint to be with my honey bunny Nille in Denmark. Middle of May is the big day. Pictures and report will appear in this space afterwards.

Super Bowl

Prediction: Giants in a squeaker, 31-28.

Yeah, right.

Looking forward to at least seeing some decent commercials. Maybe Michael Vick will do a spot for Pedigree dog food.

Hey...

Did anyone know that Hockey is going on? I know my good fiend Bill over at American Caesar Salad is aware of it. But why come I haven't heard about anything going on? Why did I not know the Rangers were atop the Atlantic Division? Why haven't I been informed that the Eastern Conference leading Ottawa Senators have lost five straight? Why haven't I been regailed with tales of the reemergence of the Red Wings in Hockeytown USA?

Hockey has long been considered the misunderstood freaky step-brother of the professional sports world. Sort of like Cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch. Baseball is the older brother, the intelligent mentor type, like David Bradford in Eight is Enough; Football, the middle, brash, celebrity brother, like Will Smith in Fresh Prince; and basketball, the youngest, the trash talker, like Arnold Drummond in Diff'rent Strokes. (Soccer is to be considered the Wilder Valderrama's Fez; not quite part of the American Sports family, but embraced by a large audience.) Hockey needs to be a little less modest, a little more loud. Not the game itself, but it's presentation. It needs to create more buzz. Because once football ends, there's a huge gulf of dead air before baseball launches anew, and I need SOME sort of sport to fill that gap, and I HATE basketball.

So get on that, Hockey. Put on some rouge and your stilettos, shorten the skirt, and boost that cleavage. Work it, damn it.

Ugh. I just gave myself the visual of Cousin Oliver in heels and a skirt. ::BLURF::

Miami Lice

The Dolphins enter today's action 0-11. That's awesome. I sincerely hope that they end the season 0-16. Don Shula, keep your nose out of the microphones. Yeah, we know, your 1972 Dolphins team went 17-0, to this day, the only perfect season in NFL History. Just shut up, already. I'm sick of hearing it.

Yes, Bill Belichick continually mocks the NFL and it's rules. He's withheld injury reports. He's video taped opposing sidelines. He's sacrificed live babies to the demon God Krovath. He is, in short, an asshole. But the team isn't winning on his tom foolery alone. They still have one of the greatest living quarterbacks, Tom Brady, and one of the most potent offenses since Operation Desert Storm. Yes, they cheated, but they have been penalized already.

Stop abusing the asterisk. Better yet, stop chicken littling until there is legitimate reason. The Patriots are 11-0, but there is a long way to go before perfection. Let's take a look at the upcoming schedule. Baltimore... O.K., 12-0 is a real possibility. My own beloved Steelers, who are without their best defensive player. And they did take almost an entire game just to score on the fucking Dolphins. Hmm. Well, if my Steel Curtain can't shut them down, then the Jets... crap. That puts them at 14-0. Well, looking at the last game of the season, which would be the hardest, they face the Giants. They're not... hmm. I guess we'd have to rely on the Week 15 opponent to take them down before they get there! Let's see who they're playing in Week 15... FUCK, it's the Dolphins. And we all know that the Dolphins are the WORST TEAM IN PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL.

Shut up, Don. Stop whining. You want to keep the Patriots from being undefeated? Well then have that sad sack collection of losers in Miami win a few games. Just one, in Week 15, ought to do the trick.

Oh, sweet misery of winter... averted?

97 days until pitchers and catchers report.

But the Phillies wasted no time whatsoever in making an off-season splash, trading for Brad Lidge, who gives them a legitimate closer and allows them to move Mike Myers back to the rotation. They gave up one of their most talented outfield prospects in Michael Bourne, which may indicate they plan on keeping Aaron Rowand, despite frequent trade rumors. Bourne will be a good fit in Houston, which needs a shot of adrenalin to their outfield.

Thanks, Philly and Houston, for at least breaking up the "where will Pay-Rod be going" doldrums. Which, by the way, it pleases me to no ends to see the White Sox bow out of the running. He would be nothing but the cancer he already is to a clubhouse that needs none of that. In fact, it pleases me a great deal to see MANY teams bowing out of the Gay-Rod sweepstakes, because that means that whatever team will end up signing him may be able to leverage him down from his insane asking price.

I hope NO ONE signs him. Unlikely, I know, but that'd teach that greedy asshole not to opt out of the largest contract ever to (dis)grace professional sports. Fucking hump.

The (not so) Long Wait is Over!

The Boston Red Sox charged the mound yesterday, screaming, shouting, throwing their gloves in the air. Champaigne was wheeled into the locker room, Theo Epstein hugged John Henry, and fans all over Boston let out a great cry of joy, as long time Red Sox radio announcer Joe Castiglione delivered the good news:

"Celebrate, Boston; A-Rod has opted out of his Yankee contract!"

Minutes later, the team managed to compose themselves, and continue playing in Game 4 of the 2007 World Series, which they won, sweeping the Cinderella story Colorado Rockies, who upon making it to the World Series for the first time in their 15 year history, transformed into so much pumpkin.


After the game, players were jubilant. "Yeah, we never gave up hope, we always believed he would opt out of his contract and become a free-agent," first baseman/circus strongman Kevin Youkilis said between swigs of champaigne. "It's a long schedule, and we just kept trying, going out on the field and playing the game, and waiting to hear the news that greedy asshole number one, [Yankees owner Goerge Steinbrenner] is losing the services of greedy ass-hole number two [former Yankee thirdbaseman Alex Rodriguez. Our patience and hard work finally paid off. We did this for the fans in Boston, who deserve this. No other town has such great fans who love their team and hate A-Rod and the Yankees."

The sweep of the Colorado Rockies makes it eight straight World Series games that the Red Sox have won. Their last loss came in October of 1986, when they lost game 7 of the World Series to the New York Mets, the same year an 11 year old Alex Rodriguez opted out of his paperboy route with the Westminster Daily Dispatch to sign a three year deal to deliver copies of the Dade County Register for 15¢ an hour more.


"It's simply amazing, what these guys have accomplished," Manager Terry Francona said yesterday to reporters. "Four years ago, the curse was still alive and well, A-Rod was still with the Rangers, and the Yankees were still a pack of douche bags. Now, we've broken the curse to win two of the past four World Series, A-Rod has come and gone, and the Yankees are still a pack of douche bags."

David "Big Papi" Ortiz, Red Sox first baseman/designated hitter/pimp daddy, was overjoyed. "As a fellow Dominican, I am bery bery happy that Alex Rodriguez has opted out of his Yankee contract. We hope to have him play for our team, but as long as he's not playing for the Yankees, that is bery bery good."


"I'd love to have him join our team," Red Sox left fielder/Mrs. Butterworth stunt double Manny Ramirez said, smiling as players dumped beer over his already disgustingly crusted hair. "I love it even more that he is not playing with the Yankees no more."

The Colorado Rockies, however, were inconsolable. "It's hard," Rockies left fielder Matt Holliday said, shaking his head. "We had such a good run through the playoffs, seemed like nothing could stop us... then you get an eight day layoff and BAM! A-Rod makes his decision. I just find it hard to take this as good news, especially since we never really play the Yankees. I mean, the closest we came to this kind of joy was when we found out Bonds wasn't coming back to the Giants, but let's face it, he's just about washed up, and the Giants are doormats anyway."

"Watching a hated rival team lose their best player because of greed is one of the greatest thrills in sports," Rockies first baseman Todd Helton said, "and I just hope that this team will work hard next year so that we can enjoy the kind of spiteful glee that the Red Sox are enjoying right now."